How My Release Brought Peace
All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live
(from the hymn “I Surrender All”)
Years ago, I went through a painful breakup. I had been engaged for nearly nine months, but six weeks before the big day my fiancé told me he had cold feet. As shocking as this news was for me, the breakup didn’t happen right away. Some days he thought we should move forward with the marriage, but other days he wasn’t sure. For two weeks I semi-functioned in a state of heartache and limbo as a wedding gown hung in my bedroom closet, and I awaited his verdict while questioning my own. I moved about those days in a progressively debilitating state of anxiety and disappointment while trying to hold onto this relationship and what I had thought my future held. Yet the situation made me feel out of control. I knew I certainly had no control over my fiancé’s feelings. I couldn’t control his actions.
And then, one morning, I snapped (in a good way).
I called him before work–a month before our wedding date–and, through tears, said, “Enough.” He agreed. While the poor guy must have breathed a sigh of relief, a tidal wave of emotions pummeled me. In the days and months that followed, and amid my grieving process, however, I experienced something surprising to me at the time: the sweet freedom of surrender.
I don’t mean “surrender” as in waving a white flag and giving up. I’m referring to surrender as in “release.” By God’s grace, I learned to release my grip on what I wanted and thought would be and gave it over to the Lord. As I did, I was able to receive what God did have for me, which was way better. My release brought peace...and blessing.
Trusting God in this process was the key. I memorized Proverbs 3:5 & 6 (NASB) and posted it on my Toyota’s dashboard: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” I whispered it to my 21-year-old self daily as I walked through this season, and it continues to apply to circumstances in my life to this day.
(By the way, a year later, I put on that same wedding gown with a few fresh alterations and got married–to someone else! I know what you’re thinking: Rebound! Whatever. I can take it. My husband and I have been married for 36 years and, as that hit song of the 70s goes, “We’re still having fun, and [he’s] still the one”!)
The subject of surrender is universal and timeless, so I wove it into my book. In my historical fiction novel (I’ll reveal the title when it’s–hopefully–slated for publication), surrender is a theme throughout as LaDelle, the main female protagonist, strives to keep things in her life neat and tidy–literally and figuratively. By doing all she can to have a tight rein on people and circumstances, LaDelle falsely believes she can shield herself from heartache and inconvenience. Sometimes this plays out in humorous ways, sometimes in sobering ways. Of course, the truth is, she’s not in control. None of us are. Will she learn the wisdom of surrender and experience the peace and blessing of releasing her fears–big and small–to the Lord, the One who is in control and loves her?
Will I?
After all, I can’t control if or when my prodigal son comes home. I can’t control if or when I receive a contract from a publisher, and my book is traditionally published. Ultimately, I control very little, if anything! So, I would be wise to surrender outcomes to my sovereign God and entrust them to Him.
How about you? What or who do you need to release and entrust to Him?
It’s a choice we have to make over and over. And over.
And over again.